Where is the Wisdom?

Now comes the most difficult topic and the most important, what is the moral to be learned or the message to be gotten from all that has happened? From my life changing so profoundly and quickly that it will never return to the way that it once was. What was the purpose?

 

 I didn’t need long to realize one important reason, it seemed obvious to me. My life, prior to the diagnosis, had seemed like a whirling vortex, which I stumbled through blindfolded. I was in my first year of psychiatry residency.  A specialization that I have been dreaming about since I was in high school. I wanted to be a distinguished psychiatrist who understood patients as whole human beings, as spiritual beings. Not one that merely looked at them through the lens of their diagnosis. 

 When I started the residency, however, it was nothing like what I had dreamed. The   workload was heavy and stressful. During the working hours, I did not really provide my patients with that they needed from a psychiatrist. I was busy doing menial tasks: filling forms, writing documents, admitting or discharging patients without having any real relationship with the people I was supposed to be taking care of. In the midst of this fast-paced life, I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted. What was the purpose behind this endless running? Why did I leave my country, family and friends to pursue my training in the US?

Not only did I forget my dream and stop being the humane doctor that I wanted to be, but I also deprived my beloved family of their most basic need from me, my being there for them. My son used to go from daycare, where he spent 9 hours a day, straight to the babysitter, until the time finally came for me to return home from work and we would put on our pajamas and fall asleep. 

 My life had become so fast paced that it had lost all flavor. I performed my prayers quickly so that I could return to my work. I used to see my husband only once every week or two depending on our on-call schedules. A voice was screaming inside of me, trying to tell me, this wasn’t the life I wanted. Where was the meaning? Where was the purpose? The giving? The relationships? Where was reading, meditating, writing and worship? Where did all the things that gave my life meaning go? I used to tell myself to be patient that things would only be this way for a while. A few years of chaos, perhaps and afterwards my workload would lessen, giving me more time. Time to remember who I was and what I wanted from life. 

I needed a chance, a moment to be with God and remember why. To remember the purpose, the goal, the intention behind all of this…a fresh start. I needed a moment to evaluate my current situation, to see if I was on the right path. Was I gaining the knowledge that I came to the US to learn? or was I doing all of this merely to get the title of “American board certified”, while only learning a fraction of what I had hoped to learn, because I was overwhelmed with performing other routine duties, that served work but not my purpose of working?

 I never would have allowed myself this pause. I saw standing still as failure. I wouldn’t have given myself the chance to catch my breath and take stock of my life. I thought that to continue running through my hectic life, no matter what happened, was strength. 

God wanted to give me this chance and, in his greatness, he knew that it would take something drastic to cause me to change and re-evaluate my priorities honestly. To see my life threatened in its entirety, unless a miracle happened. 

When death is this close it causes your priorities to change; some things appear more important, others seem less so. Career seems less significant. Certification, reputation and the American board become inconsequential after they had been everything in my life, after they had meant everything to me. You reassess your priorities, the ends you wish to accomplish and the means to those ends. 

I remembered that the American Board Certification was only a means to an end…a way to give, to be the qualified psychiatrist that can help people using a solid scientific basis. So how did the goal get lost and fade until it disappeared before the means.

Yesterday I sat talking to god alone. I spoke a lot and cried a lot. I felt an abundance of mercy and love overwhelm my heart. I prostrated myself before Allah gratefully thinking that this is the reason why I was created, for this closeness and for this happiness, and this is what I want to share with people and leave after my death.