From perfect health… to Cancer

A doctor… a mother of a three-year old … and 3-months pregnant… And just a few weeks ago… I celebrated my 30th birthday.

The story began with a small lump… I noticed it at the beginning of my pregnancy but didn’t take it seriously… then after a while I decided to ask my Obstetrician about it. She referred me to a Brest surgeon and said laughingly: “Given your age and the fact that you are pregnant, I am not concerned. But let’s just double check”

The surgeon didn’t utter a word… all she said was “let’s do an ultrasound".

My fears increased with every passing moment and I kept fighting them… but one day they took on a different form and turned from mere fears into scary imaginings.

Thoughts of leaving my husband and my son… thoughts about who I could trust to take care of them?... I kept thinking of my friends and who amongst them I could trust to be a good wife to my husband and a mother to my child?... it was a painful thought which brought me to tears…and at times it appeared silly and unfounded so I couldn’t share it with anyone and kept it to myself …

I went for my ultrasound appointment at the same hospital that I work at… “This is not a simple cyst, there is a solid mass  in one of the cyst sides… I can’t tell what it could be. We need to take a biopsy and we need to do it fast… come in the day after tomorrow for the biopsy"

At the very same moment and while I was still feeling overwhelmed with the news, my pager Beeped, calling me to attend to an emergency…

I held back my tears,tried to ignore my fears and  ran towards the emergency room… I could hear the patient talking but I was in a completely different world… I wasn’t thinking about what the doctor said...I was just distracted by the sinking feeling in my heart and I kept murmuring to myself "May God be with me"

The biopsy day came by quickly… and since I work at the same hospital, I kept checking the results on the system every three hours although my appointment for discussing the results wasn’t for five days…

I had a strange feeling while I waited for the result… A deep voice telling me this was cancer… the way it looked on the ultrasound, the way it felt ,and the signs I kept seeing everywhere I looked… but I kept reassuring myself that there is no real reason to be concerned …

The five days passed while the results did not come up in the system yet. And the day of my appointment with the breast surgeon arrived. It was a  Friday...

After the morning rounds , which I really enjoyed that day, I went directly to the on-call room to check for the biopsy  result on the system and I kept praying that it was out, that is until I actually saw it...

My eyes went all blurry with fear… I didn’t know how or where to read… I scrolled to the middle but I couldn’t comprehend anything, so I scrolled down to the very end and I saw one line that shattered all my expectations: “Invasive Ductal carcinoma Stage 3/3"

Everything became blurry…and I heard a loud voice, which later I recognized as my own…

I was repeating loudly in Arabic " alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah" which translate as: all gratitude is to God or simply... Thank you God!

I kept repeating this unconsciously while my breathing became heavy and my heart beat too fast...  Then my tears started falling... Why? I don’t know... What was I thinking? I don’t know.

All I remember from that time is my voice saying "Alhamdulillah” mixed with the voice of gasping for air while crying out loud…

Then I started thinking: this marks the end of my life as the healthy strong Noor... This is the beginning of a new phase... I don’t know how long it will last or when it will end.

I called my husband and when he replied I said quietly: “How are you darling?"… "The results are out"…"I need you"… I didn’t say anything more and he didn’t ask me to, he just said "I will be here" and then hung up and for that I was grateful because there was no way I could tell him the diagnosis…

It was 12 p.m., a time at which the on-call room is usually occupied by interns having lunch, but thank God it was empty that time and I was able to enjoy the privacy.  I kept thanking God and I remembered the prayer that Muslims are thought to say at the time of hardship: "O Allah, reward me for my affliction, and give me something better than what I have lost” Then I kept on crying and praying.

I remember those moments now with deep gratitude and I thank God deeply for making me utter those words at such a difficult and confusing time… it wasn’t me… it was Him…

I thank him for giving me the chance to receive the news while on my own, in a closed room, where I was able to cry and weep without being seen. If the result had come out only an hour later, I would have had to receive it at the clinic while listening to the doctor saying "whatever she could come up with" to ease the situation.

My husband arrived and I met him at the hospital's main gate. I smiled, said "thank God" and we walked in together. Then a few minutes later, he heard me weeping and hugged me..he asked me to see the results himself as he thought that I might be wrong.. Back to the on call room where he read it

For the few minutes that preceded my appointment I kept crying in silent… so that by the time of my appointment all my tears had been shed… and I went to the clinic without any tears left.

The doctor came in smiling: "How are you doing?" how is work? How is your pregnancy, anymore morning sickness? How was the biopsy? “Just trying to fill the time before she gets into he topic, "Ok... Now we know what is going on”, so I said "I know…I read the report" and amazed she said: "you know?" I smiled and said “I saved you  breaking the bad news”. She replied: “Oh it is such a relief… I didn’t know how to tell you”..." ok we have to move fast... We now have an urgent goal… we want to get rid of this cancer and we have a lot of decisions to make"

And she started telling me all the details, and all the painful treatment  options… leaving me feeling bombarded…